Today is the first day i've logged in in several months, because one of the keys on my keyboard doesn't work, and i just happen to have that key in all of my passwords.

It JUST occurred to me (or my husband, rather) that I can copy/paste that number into my password.

After several months.

I have a lot of reading to do.

I dreamed (dreamt?) about Lindsay's upcoming audition for AI all night last night. Maybe I'm channeling her emotions? lol. Let's all send good thoughts her way as she's super talented.

p.s...my dog is adorable. the end.

p.p.s...Rinney's boyfriend is also adorable and they are adorable together.

Nothing significant. Oh my god, everytime I log on, it's fucking changed!

Oh well.

I wish I could blame this post on alcohol.

P.S.


I FUCKING HATE JULY.


the end.

I have a new song up on myspace, as a birthday present to myself.

Whisper

go check out the song Gloria by the love of my life. it will move you. 36 tracks, including 7-part vocal harmonies, and he did all of it himself.

Paul died. seemingly out of nowhere. his cancer relapsed and he went on Friday.


I don't know how I feel.

I spent the Oprah hour weeping on my couch, watching what Hallie Geier's family did and what Susan St. James' boys did.

Did you know that in South Africa, girls have a better chance of being raped then of learning to read?

Did you know that in South Africa, 1 in 4 girls will be raped before the age of 16? These are pretty freaking startling statistics.

In Kansas City, a rape is reported every other day.
However, only 16% of rapes are reported.

The majority of sexual violence victims are children, girls 15-25, and people with developmental disorders.

CHILDREN. If you want to donate money to Hallie Geier's Foundation, Love Hallie, or just educate yourself then click here or go to Oprah.com.


I was going to write about recording today, but there are more important issues right now.

so for those of you who were wondering...i signed to the label today, and I start my record in 9 hours.

You know what I'm most excited about?

PUTTING OUT A FREAKING FULL LENGTH RECORD.

i couldn't care less about being on a label.<---that sounded bad. These guys are really sweet. But...you all know how I feel...

They are financing a record for me.

This is seriously my dream come true. Just to have a 12 song record.

I should go to bed so I don't suck in the morning and they rethink their generosity.

I love you guys.

And I stained my Sigur Ros shirt with coffee...I WILL have a conniption if it doesn't come out.

I'm so anxious.

Anyway, last night Rinney came over. She killed the biggest spider I have ever seen. We used this pest killer spray and that bitch would not die. It seriously took 8-10 sprays. We weren't supposed to use it indoors, and definitely not on carpet. So we took a trip to Walmart to get away from the fumes and get some carpet cleaner. When we got back, there was a guy out on the balcony in the building next door, and he's all, "What are you doing?"

"We're having a party. A stay awake all night party in case the spiders come back."
"Am I invited?"
"Probably not."
"Aw, that's wrong. Why not?"
"Because it's late and I don't know you. Maybe sometime during the day."

It was a lot funnier last night.

MUSIC GAME


Here’s the game. Put your music player on shuffle, and post your favorite lyric from each song. Do this 25 times. Then see how many of your friends can name the songs that’s you’re posting from! Bold each one as they are identified.


I love these! Ok, here we go.

1. “oh, you can be so sweet, but you can be such a stubborn girl when you want to be”

2. “she shimmies up my jammies and she’ll do me all night long” --shes got skillz by all 4 1

3. “all I care about is you and me and us and now.” -- If Only by Hanson

4. “you’re so sad, I think I might cry/I am so sick of seeking peace in finding out why”--addict by jess harp

5. “and If I don’t’ meet you no more in this world then I’ll meet you in the next one and don’t be late”

6. “I’ve got to say I’ve seen this coming from afar/ cause darling you’re so beautiful/ you know you are”

7. “and the walls close in, concave/like a needle filled with Novocain/sometimes I feel I’m missing the vein”--Novocain by Tony Romanello

8. “here we are, stuck by this river/ you and I, underneath this sky that’s ever falling down”

9. “music, sweet music, I wish I could caress, caress, caress”

10. “ you’ve got to breathe her, really taste her, til you can feel her in your blood”--have you ever loved a woman by bryan adams

11. “I just wanna see you a little more, I just wanna dream of you some more”--Wish That I Was There by Hanson

12. “prance into the halls of congress, vomit into the speaker’s lap” --Beautiful Horses by The Blood Brothers

13. “hot funk, cool punk, even if it’s old junk, it’s still rocknroll to me”--it's still rock n roll to me by William Joel :)

14. “and I need to be patient, need to be brave, need to discover how to behave”

15. “the sun hit her body like an ugly landscape” --Love Rhymes With a Hideous Car Wreck by The Blood Brothers

16. “with your child’s eyes, you are more than you seem”

17. “preparation goes to waste, feels like I’m standing still, too late for the race”

18. “dreams aren’t what they used to be”--Smile Like You Mean It by the Killers

19. “there’s been lives erased by less things than this”--Shades of Grey by Tony Romanello Band

20. “you’re supposed to give more than you take, got my heart on your plate, you stopped loving me so fast”--Lonely Again by Hanson

21. “my eyes are waiting at the door/ just like every time before”

22. “she’s beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego” -- Pretty Girl by Sugarcult

23. “a laundry list of problems doesn’t make you interesting”--Sympathy for the Martyr by Straylight Run

24. “when I had you, I treated you bad and wrong, my dear”

25. “you say your mom ain’t home, that’s not my concern/ just play with me, and you won’t get burned.”

Hey guys! For all of you that didn't get the Myspace bulletin, "Tequila Mourning" is now featured on Ash Radio's weekly podcast. Go listen at www.froppo.com/ashradio.

You can also click on the rotation tab and vote to keep me in rotation. And you can vote more than once. GO VOTE FOR ME. Please?


LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

In other news, Depeche Mode is playing at Starlight in May. Tickets are $75, but I am paying to go. IT'S FREAKING DEPECHE MODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so freaking excited!!!!

I wonder when my heart will stop breaking, or if that's even a reasonable expectation. When this first started about a week ago, I thought I was just crashing from my mania, but every day lately I have been waking feeling completely crushed. There seems to be such a weight on my chest. Maybe this is due to the feeling of my own disloyalty that I have been aware of in myself lately, or maybe it's something completely different. It doesn't feel good. It never does. It's sapping my strength and my optimism and my patience.

Some things I've been obsessing over lately are completely twisted and no, it isn't voluntary.

what am I doing? if i have doubts enough to ask that question, then I am not ready.
I am not ready. Dear God, I don't want to go through this again, but I am not ready.
To convince myself that I am would just be another avenue for resentment and bitterness.

I wrote that blurb in my journal years ago and I am experiencing that again. And no, I don't care to elaborate. Whatever you might think I am referring to, I assure you that you are incorrect.

I realize that relating this kind of despair might have some of you asking, "Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you a Christian? Don't you people preach hope?"

And yes, we do. And I do have hope---and faith that things will get better. Hope is why I can still get out of bed in the morning, and I credit God with the accomplishment of that great feat. I don't know. Maybe it's a gift, eh?

I'm normally very skeptical of anything "new age," but I found something that could explain the way that I've always been.

Do you believe in empaths? And I personally am not referring to anything paranormal or metaphysical. Just people who are exceptionally tuned into the world around them...bah. That's a horrible definition, but I'm not particularly articulate right now. All I know is that the way that I feel most of the time is not healthy...unless there is a reason for it. Unless...I don't know. Anyway, the idea popped into my head during my quiet time today, and I researched it, and so many of the traits fit me.





Here is a list of traits of Empaths. I'm not suggesting that I am one, I'm not even sure if I believe in them, but I identify with everything on this list, especially the bolded items. Laugh at me if you want to. I honestly don't give a poo.

~Empathy Character Traits~

~Feels emotions often and deeply~
~Keenly aware of other peoples feelings~
~Cannot easily release sad or upset feelings~
~Feels deeply for others suffering and pain~
~Prone to recurrent depression~
~Keenly aware of, and affected by beauty (art, music, nature)~
~Feel overwhelmed or depleted by too much stimuli
(large crowds, loud noises, hectic environments)~
~Startles easily~
~Abhors confusion~
~Nurturers~
~Very sensitive to bright lights~
~Notices subtle changes in the atmosphere~
~Needs to retreat within themselves to become focused~
~May have a tendency towards alcohol or drugs to escape at some time in life
from all the stimuli or confusion around them~
~Feels physical pain more than others~
~Has a strong affinity with animals.~
~Loves children and children love them~
~Often have premonition-type dreams~
~Prone to migraines and tense muscles;Also disease's like chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia.
~Often get involved with people who have a lot of problems~
(Thus leaving ourselves open to getting hurt deeply because of trying to help others)
~Feel that we have a "mission" in life to make others understand~
~Will often tolerate a lot more abuse than other people do, even though we are hurt deeply~
~Insensitive people tend to think that we are mentally ill or wacko~
~Often thought to be hypochondriacs by Dr.'s, because we are prone to sickness that comes from others~
(i.e. Test results may show nothing, but we are still sick nevertheless)
~Can feel physical or mental pain from long distances~
(Such as from people we are close to)
~Empaths usually work in a helping profession or are poets, musicians or artists~
~Tires easily and naps frequently~
~See through people into their souls and beyond their masks or games~
(A lot of people are afraid of us for this reason)
~Are often looked upon as being soft, stupid or an easy pushover~
~Usually have a great sense of humor~
~We are the best listeners on earth!~
~Very faithful as a friend~
~An acute sense of smell and hearing~


And yes, I do understand that many people on the planet feel like this. And maybe that's why I feel comfort in this.

I've been in a dessert frenzy lately. I've been baking cookies, dipping things in chocolate, and this isn't dessert, but I've been cooking for myself. Like good meals. I'm so weirded out by myself.


Put your music player on shuffle.
Press play for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
NO CHEATING.

( this is kind of creepy... )

a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting
and never getting help doesn't make you brave


wow. when i heard this, one name in particular came to mind. i am such a bitch.


<333 Straylight Run.

I am so emotionally crippled it's ridiculous. Maybe it's the hours that I'm working, but I just don't care about what other people want right now. All I know is that I am working hard, and I need to keep working hard, because I have some pretty big bills to pay. I honestly don't care about anything but doing what I need to do, which is work and sleep. Some people are starting to be offended by my hours, but you know what? Screw them. I'm taking care of me. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I have nothing to stop me right now from getting my education and I want to take advantage of that.

If people are thinking i'm this difficult right now, I wonder how they're going to deal when I add school into everything.

Yesterday I put a deposit down for my own apartment. It's a studio, 500sq feet, but it's mine, and plenty big enough for me. Here's the Info if you want to look around. I really like the community.

I'm alos going back to school full-time in the fall. I'm paying for it myself, so it shouldn't fall through this time. I'm working my ass off so hopefully i won't be hurting for money. I want to get through the next couple of months and then save up all summer at the cheesecake factory so hopefully i won't have to work so hard through school. I feel really excited.

yay

Honestly, are you surprised?

You scored as Ginny Weasley. You definitely share your mother's (Molly Weasley) fiery resolve and slowly but surely people are learning to respect you because of it. </td> Ginny Weasley 95% Hermione Granger 90% Albus Dumbledore 85% Harry Potter 75% Remus Lupin 75% Ron Weasley 60% Severus Snape 55% Draco Malfoy 40% Sirius Black 40% Lord Voldemort 30% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

I have been bawling off and on all day. I don't cry that often, and I don't normally cry without reason. But I have been just sobbing all day. Like audible shit. I got to work and someone said Hi to me and I friggin burst into tears. I literally spent the last hour crying my head off.

It's like I'm pushing every piece of sorrow I have ever felt out today.

I don't get it. I didn't cut though. Or smoke. And how I wanted to.

(ps..does anyone else find it semi-amusing that fridgebuzz is doing a "reunion" show? I mean, they were a great band...but "reunion?" Maybe it's just me.)

Gah. I miss "The Spirit Room."

My mom broke up with her boyfriend last night, and he called this morning. I wonder if she did it through email...



HAPPY 21ST, RINNEY!

I went and saw Tristan Prettyman today. She's really, really good.

and as if i wasn't feeling generic enough, there's a 15 year old in Normal, IL named Aislinn. And her nickname is also Aisy.

Dammit.

So, the other day, I went to Starbucks and got a chai latte before work at the cheesecake factory. It was the worst chai latte i have ever had. seriously. my day was ruined for a while.

and then i felt ashamed for being so upset. some people are worrying about shelter and food, and i had a problem with my chai latte and my world fell apart?

I must REALLY be bipolar. Or ridiculous. Either way, that put things in perspective for me. I don't know what the point of this was, so sue me.